But Julia Allison's Hair is So Pretty

juliaallison:

The outfit I decided on for tonight.  I still have no idea what “dressy casual” is, but this’ll have to do.

 Anna Wintour* notes that “dressy casual” means “break out the snuggie!” Anna Wintour also remarks that when wearing a snuggie you can push minions out of the way and grab tiny, deliciously edible woodland creatures like squirrels without being hindered by the seemingly impeneterable barrier that is the blanket. This outfit is slightly imperfect, because Julia’s arms might get cold (I do not want Julia to be cold!) and if she tries to cover herself with a blanket, it willl act like a concrete wall whenever she tries to shake anyone’s hand or wave or embrace or do anything involving arm movements. This is why I wear my snuggie every day, everywhere, not just ironically around my own home.  

*Anna Wintour has conversations with me in peyote induced fever dreams, sometimes. I take all of them literally.

juliaallison:

The other conculsion I came to?  I need a lot more time off this whole internet thing.

Not sure how this will play out, but let’s just put it this way: I can say with assurance that the relaxation and balance I experienced over this trip wouldn’t have been possible had I been checking my email.

(I’m very proud of the heart I drew in the photo above.)

It’s a very pretty heart.

Now…

A year ago, this would have been a really good conclusion to come to - lots of the energy that lifecasting no doubt takes could have been directed towards the column or Star. However, at this point, the internet is your business. It seems like, overall, its treated you pretty enviably well. Sure, it’s snake pit of haters, but it does things like send you on free trips to sea world. So saying you’re going to take time off is like the average Joe saying “yeah, I’m going to show up to work sometimes, but only in the later afternoons or whenever I feel like it, k? And I’ll be drunk when I do it, because that works for me, and work should be about making me happy.” I did that. Now I live in a box outside Starbucks, and am typing this on a businessman’s computer while he waits in the endless restroom line.

But, despite having some money probably left over from that 100K Star gig, Julia Allison is too young for retirement. So, what happens next? Is Harvard still on the list of possibilities? Is a reality show (DON’T DO IT DON’T DO IT DON’T DO IT). Sorry. Involuntary reality show response directed towards everyone.  

Here’s a thought. What if she gave up non-society altogether, and went back to old school journalism? She has a resume filled with clips and could certainly do some pieces for womens magazines. Then, after doing that for a while, she could begin doing lengthier, more investigative pieces, and gain the respect of her peers. At which point, she could write a book about her adventures in the internet and what she learned from the process. I think most people would love to see a good comeback.

Or maybe she could be a spokesmodel. If she put the same efforts she puts to promoting herself into promoting a product, she could sell the shit out of it, and it would be perfectly socially acceptable.

I mean, that’s the hard route, though. Personally, I’d take all the free trips/clothes/food products I could get, so I’d just keep going with nonsociety.

OMG SHE IS TOTS PAST HER EXPIRATION DATE!

However, by the time she reached the point on the expiration calendar marked “become an ape woman” she was renowned for being a patient and wise leader and consequently a “monstrously desirable political bride.” Get it? Monstrous? I think the person who wrote that was making a funny!

So, Julia, enjoy your beauty to the fullest while you’ve got it (you still do have it) just try to lay the foundation for the things that matter later on. The rest will work itself out.

P.S. Just kidding about that “calendar marked ape woman” thing. Margaret the Ugly had Paget’s disease. That date was the day she was born, not, as some might have believed, her 30th birthday.

Like glass through the esophagus, so are the worst days of our lives. The last two days have probably left you cold and shaky and prone to uncontrollable weeping. At least, that is how they have left me. Partly because I’m trying my first juice fast. Also, because Julia is gone. I have tried adjusting this doll’s tiny arm to rest upon its hip, and made it lean prettily towards the camera. It helps. But it only helps a little bit.

So, Julia probably had reasons for not going on that trip to Ireland other than hating Dublin. But we don’t! DUBLIN SUCKS, SEA WORLD RULES! Here’s why:

Dublin: Rain. The rain, it raineth every day.

Sea World: The only “rain” you’ll experience is when Shamu splashes everybody! That’s not real rain. That is simply a sign of Shamu’s reign of awesomeness!

Dublin: Ulysses is a book about a man who thinks in zany metaphors while he masturbates on a beach.  After a funeral. While staring at a schoolgirl. That is what the Dubliners are like.

Sea World: People who do that at Sea World? They get kicked out Sea World!

Dublin: You will witness someone on the street vomiting after an evening at the pub nearly every night.

Sea World: You will witness someone vomiting after a super delightful ride on the roller coaster!

Dublin: You will probably be paying 25 Euros for a bowl of lukewarm pasta at a pub, which is very good for staving off vomiting, but not staving off desire for culinary delights.

Sea World: For $35 you can eat Shamu! No, not really. But, according to the Sea World website, you can apparently dine with Shamu while eating “seafood Creole, sliced turkey, roast chicken, pasta shrimp Alfredo, an array of sides, rolls, and desserts.” Shamu meat goes for $50.

Dublin: Veronica Guerin (a sad movie).

Sea World: Free Willy! (a happy movie!)

Thus, Sea World crushes ruddy-nosed, drug addled Dublin into the pavement. Happy Memorial Day!

fuckyeahcupcakes:

If loving cookies and cupcakes makes one a monster, I would hate to be human.