But Julia Allison's Hair is So Pretty

Obviously, it is one of ilikejuliaallison’s goals to...

Sat, 13 Jun 2009 13:18:38 -0400

Obviously, it is one of ilikejuliaallison’s goals to become one of Julia Allison’s best friends forever. Seriously! I like to pose for pictures. Here are reasons that this will be hard for me, and I cry myself to sleep at night.

1) Again, the scale ridden thing. Julia, why can’t you have one friend with mild deformities? Just one! Karp doesn’t count. He’s interesting looking. Could you think of them as being like a tattoo?

2) I always eat dessert. And when I saw that the Waverly charged $55 for (admittedly very nice) mac and cheese, I snorted Diet Coke out my nose. And then I went out and ate an ice cream cone from the ice cream truck on the corner. It cost $2 and was delicious. Ineffably delicious!

3) I’m not on myspace. I am a spinster for life (you already guessed that from the scale thing, though, right?) On SaTC the one I related to was Miranda. Psyche! No one related to Miranda. I’m a Charlotte, pearls and pulitzer hide my pustules.

4) I did not go to an Ivy League. I was not aware that people put that much stock in them after the age of 18. But I will try again, Julia, if it helps! I can go back! In time (to 18 years old) not necessarily to school, because I’m at this point in my life I’m kind of busy, you know?

5) I’d be afraid to flip Bobo like that in the air. I might break him.

juliaallison:

This is my unbelievable new girl friend Jordan Berkow, and her Lilly-clone shih-tzu pup, Lucy.

I met Jordan at the first party Harvard Harley invited me to, a few weeks ago (they were friends in college). After graduating in 2003, she fled to LA to become an actress. Turns out the whole Hollywood thing didn’t much suit her, so she came back home (raised in the city, Dalton grad) to pursue journalism - and yes, she’s an incredible writer.

In the interim, she managed to marry a gorgeous Yale-educated musician she met on MYSPACE. Yes. MySpace. Seriously. MYSPACE. I asked her three times if she was joking. I would have loved to see their NYT wedding announcement: Harvard meets Yale … on MySpace.

He proposed within six weeks. They were engaged for a little over a year, and they’ve been married for almost eight months. They both have tattoos.

It’s better than a movie.

Anyway! In addition to being (as you can clearly see) ridiculously, obscenely, drop-dead gorgeous, she also happens to be one of the sweetest and most genuine girls I’ve met in a long time. No pretention whatsoever. And yeah, of course she’s bright as hell. The topper - a matching shih-tzu puppy - was almost too much for me. My girl crush is undeniable.

I still sort of can’t believe she actually exists.

My best friend is a taxidermied monkey named Bobo. I put a wig...

Wed, 10 Jun 2009 22:02:58 -0400

My best friend is a taxidermied monkey named Bobo. I put a wig on its head so we can go to Times Square and slap naked cowboy’s bottoms together. But Bobo can’t because Bobo is not “alive.” Julia, sometimes I feel like these videos are just to make me feel bad about myself.

juliaallison:

This is one of my favorite TMIweekly episodes I think we’ve ever shot.

You have to watch until the VERY end for a special naked cowboy surprise!

Julia Allison Has No Idea What Work Is

Wed, 10 Jun 2009 17:32:00 -0400

You know what sucks? Working. Why would anyone want to if you didn’t have to? I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t help with charities either. I’d sit in my home in a pillow fort and eat frozen snickers bars, because their advertising campaign is getting to me. And I’d do puzzles. I like puzzles. Puzzles, with the TV on. AND THAT IS ALL I’D DO. Well, if people invited me to parties with the intent of making me feel like a pretty, pretty princess, I’d go to those too. Get a job? Why on earth would she do that? To make life unpleasant?

juliasbadpress:

juliaallison:

My day, broken down:

Woke up around 10 am - answered emails, got ready for Mirror Awards luncheon at 11:45 am, cabbed it to the Harmonie Club at 60th & 5th (I would have walked, but I had on heels and I didn’t want to be late). After the luncheon (which I left at 2:30) , I subway’d to 29th & Park for an hour plus long meeting with TMIweekly’s producer, Kathleen. Then an elevator ride for a half hour hang out with David at Tumblr (Tumblr’s offices are below NNN’s). After that, I cab’d it to ICM’s offices on 50th & 8th to meet with my lit agent, Kate Lee, for an hour (coincidentially, she’s also Rachel Sklar’s lit agent! And Paula Froelich’s! And Jeff Jarvis’! I’m in pretty fantastic company.)

After the meeting, I walked back to my place, a few blocks away, to meet Megan, who had driven in from Long Island for the Alvin Ailey performance. Since they were dancing in Brooklyn, we drove (thank god for iPhone’s GPS, although BAM - the Brooklyn Academy of Music - isn’t exactly hard to find, I can get lost in my own bathroom, so. You know. GPS helps.) in time for the 7:30 performance, which ended around 10 pm. Then we drove back into the city to pick up CD in Union Square at 10:30, and took her to Morandi, on Waverly & 7th, in the West Village. We sat down for dinner around 11 (first food I’d had since lunch - I was starving!) and Megan finally dropped me back at my place around 1:15 am …

Now I’m home, Miss Lilly dog needs to be walked, I’m exhausted and SO looking forward to bed.

Goodnight!!!

xoxo

Julia

Julia Allison’s Day Broken Down For Her

Woke up late (Christ woman, most people are well into work. Even too-far-gone-to-help alcoholics wake up earlier than you, and you DON’T DRINK!)

Deleted your hate mail because it makes you cry.

Rummaged through your pile of tutus to find the one that says “I’m a professional and I have a small ass, REALLY!”

Took a taxi! Looked for yourself on the taxi TV!

Have yet to actually work.

Went to lunch, even though you had yet done any work today. The lunch was a awards ceremony for journalists, which you were glad to attend even though you aren’t a journalist.

Took the subway! It’s underground!

Met with producer. Flipped through back issues of 1980’s Cosmopolitan’s to find ideas for your “TV show.”

Bothered the people at tumblr, who all hate you. Promised you’d give David Karp the reach around… eventually.

Another taxi! Still looking for yourself on the taxi TV.

Meeting with lit agent! Who reps people you will never be! You promise your agent to finally write something that is over 100 words. Then you break that promise and contemplate a book of narcissistic haiku.

Walked home! Have yet to have done anything all day that can be remotely called work.

Met up with ~~the boring one~~ the one who makes you look horrible on camera to watch the dancing. Used GPS!

Watched the dancing. Thought about your tutus. Realized you are too fat to actually be a dancer. And too old to wear fucking tutus.

Saw God. Still no actual work.

Back to Manhattan. Dinner! No food since lunch! Too busy feigning importance to eat!

Back to the princess palace. Tiptoed quietly past Rosie O’Donnell’s door. (You pissed off the lesbian. You now know wrath.)

Your dog hasn’t been walked ALL DAY. Your dog hates you. It shit all over your apartment.

Exhaustion! Still no work.

You are not important. Give it up. Get a job and get over yourself.

Jesus I hate to say this

Sat, 06 Jun 2009 09:34:56 -0400

antikris:

I’ve always stuck up for the way Julia Allison looked. Her looks shouldnt be a factor as to why everyone hates her. She’s a pretty girl. Well, tonight…I met her in person for the first time.

This is one of the most delusional people I have ever met. Let’s start off with the fact that she wore a crown to the party. Apparently she crowned herself the queen prior to the rulings. GAY PANTS

I tried to introduce myself to her because honestly, I wanted to get a pic with her making an icky face like I did with Rambin…well, Julia wouldnt be bothered. I am not someone she’d waste her time with apparently.

I’m not going to call her fat or anything mean like that, but lets just say…girl dont look the same in person. Ok, that’s all.

Gay Pants? Julia doesn’t wear pants, you muddle mushed brain fool. Also, did you not know she was busy with more important things? She wore a crown! And a pink dress! And made her blind date wait 45 minutes! That’s enough. Go make icky faces (probably your NORMAL face - oooh, burn) at your icky mirror.

juliaallison: Um … just in case they didn’t crown me at the...

Fri, 05 Jun 2009 23:06:14 -0400

juliaallison:

Um … just in case they didn’t crown me at the Webutante Ball, I thought I’d crown myself.

HAHAHA

She didn’t win. The rain today was the tears of all the angels, and unicorns and fair sprites of the forest, crying, premptorily. This is your fault. Your fucking fault.

Let Julia Allison be a lesson to you

Fri, 05 Jun 2009 13:04:29 -0400

bitcheslovethecheddar:

There really isn’t such thing as “internet fame.”

And if the closest you come to achieving this elusive and temporary state is to become a somewhat well-known in a relatively small Midwestern city, well, don’t let it go to your head too much.

The fall from stardom won’t be a long one, but it won’t be pretty.

Make sure you have a few friends left to catch you when you do eventually start to tumble.

Umm, let Julia Allison be a lesson to you in awesomeness! The only tumbling I see has to do with tumblarity. Which is… not falling. JULIA FOR PROM QUEEN!

juliaallison: And this one, also Mr. Sarkozy’s wife. ...

Fri, 05 Jun 2009 11:46:45 -0400

juliaallison:

And this one, also Mr. Sarkozy’s wife. Wow.

What is it LIKE to be that beautiful???

(Thanks to the Daily Beast for these photos.)

Probably awkward, and apt to make people jealous (like you do, Julia!) http://www.nationalpost.com/news/story.html?id=1547878. Thank God I’m a mud dwelling scale ridden troll.

juliaallison: OOH OOH! VOTE FOR ME FOR QUEEN OF THE WEBUTANTE...

Fri, 05 Jun 2009 11:41:17 -0400

juliaallison:

OOH OOH! VOTE FOR ME FOR QUEEN OF THE WEBUTANTE BALL!

I tried to vote for myself 150 times, because Chuck Bass isn’t around to do it for me, but alas, they have this system rigged all ethical.

Damnit! I want that tiara!!

Don’t you know we are your Chuck Bass Julia? We totally are! You’re reading, aren’t you?

Julia is like Belle, only prettier! Look!...

Wed, 03 Jun 2009 12:30:08 -0400

Julia is like Belle, only prettier! Look! http://julia.nonsociety.com/lifecast/117114778-0-2. You know you only have two days left to vote for Prom Queen, right? (http://thewebutanteball.com/.) Vote early, vote often.

Julia for Prom Queen!

Tue, 02 Jun 2009 19:35:00 -0400

Ilikejuliaallison never went to prom. I suspect in retrospect it had something to do with my scales, which the other kids told me made me “unique” “different” and “like a terrifying, disgusting alien from planet creepy.” Glamour shot! It’s cool. These days, I cover them with Jessica McClintock taffeta, which makes them look… fluffy. Which is a synonym for attractive.

However, apparently Julia went. And she went with 17 boys. That’s how you know she is super pretty and popular. Which is why she needs your vote for prom queen for the Webutante Ball. ! One exclamation point isn’t enough. !!!!!!!! And some more. !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, because of my interesting skin type, all ilikejuliaallison knows about prom comes from watching endless loops of Gossip Girl in my darkened, subterraean, softly padded lair. Basically, this is how prom works. You can insert the name Julia in your head for all mentions of Blair (though that’s so obvious, I don’t need to say it, right?) Blair shows up at prom wearing some dress that looks like they stripped down another window treatment at Tara. And Nelly Yuki (Mary Rambin) is like “I’m going to be prom queen and steal all of the bids for Blair out of the ballot box!” But her plan fails, and Blair is voted prom queen and triumphantly announces “I OWN prom!” “Huh?” Says Serena (Meghan Asha) “Who even voted for her?” “I did” replies Chuck (ilikejuliaallison) “About 150 times.”

But that wily fox Richard Blakely has made it so I can’t vote for her more than once. His voting system somehow stalks my computer. I don’t know how, and I don’t know why it doesn’t want me voting for Julia 150 times.

But if we team up, we can get 150 collective votes! Be my hands, readers. Be my scaly, mutant, alien hands. Julia ‘09! Yes we can! Yes we can! Change (or really, sameness) we can believe in!

No one in the media is writing about Julia Allison and her gloryblog anymore.

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 14:49:00 -0400

(via juliasbadpress)

Julia’s Bad Press, you are a bag full of lies, despicable lies, you spill your untruths upon yourself! Apologize. Now.

juliaallison: The outfit I decided on for tonight. I still...

Sun, 31 May 2009 14:48:00 -0400

juliaallison:

The outfit I decided on for tonight. I still have no idea what “dressy casual” is, but this’ll have to do.

Anna Wintour* notes that “dressy casual” means “break out the snuggie!” Anna Wintour also remarks that when wearing a snuggie you can push minions out of the way and grab tiny, deliciously edible woodland creatures like squirrels without being hindered by the seemingly impeneterable barrier that is the blanket. This outfit is slightly imperfect, because Julia’s arms might get cold (I do not want Julia to be cold!) and if she tries to cover herself with a blanket, it willl act like a concrete wall whenever she tries to shake anyone’s hand or wave or embrace or do anything involving arm movements. This is why I wear my snuggie every day, everywhere, not just ironically around my own home.

*Anna Wintour has conversations with me in peyote induced fever dreams, sometimes. I take all of them literally.

Why has no one started a blog written by Lily?

Fri, 29 May 2009 01:47:31 -0400

Why has no one started a blog written by Lily?

juliaallison: The other conculsion I came to? I need a lot...

Thu, 28 May 2009 16:41:24 -0400

juliaallison:

The other conculsion I came to? I need a lot more time off this whole internet thing.

Not sure how this will play out, but let’s just put it this way: I can say with assurance that the relaxation and balance I experienced over this trip wouldn’t have been possible had I been checking my email.

(I’m very proud of the heart I drew in the photo above.)

It’s a very pretty heart.

Now…

A year ago, this would have been a really good conclusion to come to - lots of the energy that lifecasting no doubt takes could have been directed towards the column or Star. However, at this point, the internet is your business. It seems like, overall, its treated you pretty enviably well. Sure, it’s snake pit of haters, but it does things like send you on free trips to sea world. So saying you’re going to take time off is like the average Joe saying “yeah, I’m going to show up to work sometimes, but only in the later afternoons or whenever I feel like it, k? And I’ll be drunk when I do it, because that works for me, and work should be about making me happy.” I did that. Now I live in a box outside Starbucks, and am typing this on a businessman’s computer while he waits in the endless restroom line.

But, despite having some money probably left over from that 100K Star gig, Julia Allison is too young for retirement. So, what happens next? Is Harvard still on the list of possibilities? Is a reality show (DON’T DO IT DON’T DO IT DON’T DO IT). Sorry. Involuntary reality show response directed towards everyone.

Here’s a thought. What if she gave up non-society altogether, and went back to old school journalism? She has a resume filled with clips and could certainly do some pieces for womens magazines. Then, after doing that for a while, she could begin doing lengthier, more investigative pieces, and gain the respect of her peers. At which point, she could write a book about her adventures in the internet and what she learned from the process. I think most people would love to see a good comeback.

Or maybe she could be a spokesmodel. If she put the same efforts she puts to promoting herself into promoting a product, she could sell the shit out of it, and it would be perfectly socially acceptable.

I mean, that’s the hard route, though. Personally, I’d take all the free trips/clothes/food products I could get, so I’d just keep going with nonsociety.

i've been trying to figure out julia allison for the last hour

Thu, 28 May 2009 00:43:29 -0400

mariellie:

why is she [internet] famous? i still don’t know.

Because she is a special snowflake.

Thank you for your interest.

She came home!

Wed, 27 May 2009 23:00:28 -0400

WELCOME BACK JULIA!

In your absence, the internet became a much less pink place. Which is to say it became a disgusting color that’s the opposite of pink. Hold on. I’m checking the color wheel. Oh, actually, the opposite of pink is green. I thought it would be more gross. Puce, maybe. I’m not sure what color puce actually is, but it sounds revolting, doesn’t it? Green is an okay color for plants, I guess. NOT FOR CUPCAKES, THOUGH! Green on cupcakes means mold. I’ve learnt that the hard way.

Fuck, this is complicated.

I guess what I mean is, it was pretty damn tedious without you.

OMG SHE IS TOTS PAST HER EXPIRATION DATE! However, by the time...

Wed, 27 May 2009 16:46:00 -0400

OMG SHE IS TOTS PAST HER EXPIRATION DATE!

However, by the time she reached the point on the expiration calendar marked “become an ape woman” she was renowned for being a patient and wise leader and consequently a “monstrously desirable political bride.” Get it? Monstrous? I think the person who wrote that was making a funny!

So, Julia, enjoy your beauty to the fullest while you’ve got it (you still do have it) just try to lay the foundation for the things that matter later on. The rest will work itself out.

P.S. Just kidding about that “calendar marked ape woman” thing. Margaret the Ugly had Paget’s disease. That date was the day she was born, not, as some might have believed, her 30th birthday.

Like glass through the esophagus, so are the worst days of our...

Tue, 26 May 2009 16:36:00 -0400

Like glass through the esophagus, so are the worst days of our lives. The last two days have probably left you cold and shaky and prone to uncontrollable weeping. At least, that is how they have left me. Partly because I’m trying my first juice fast. Also, because Julia is gone. I have tried adjusting this doll’s tiny arm to rest upon its hip, and made it lean prettily towards the camera. It helps. But it only helps a little bit.

So, Julia probably had reasons for not going on that trip to...

Mon, 25 May 2009 21:23:51 -0400

So, Julia probably had reasons for not going on that trip to Ireland other than hating Dublin. But we don’t! DUBLIN SUCKS, SEA WORLD RULES! Here’s why:

Dublin: Rain. The rain, it raineth every day.

Sea World: The only “rain” you’ll experience is when Shamu splashes everybody! That’s not real rain. That is simply a sign of Shamu’s reign of awesomeness!

Dublin: Ulysses is a book about a man who thinks in zany metaphors while he masturbates on a beach. After a funeral. While staring at a schoolgirl. That is what the Dubliners are like.

Sea World: People who do that at Sea World? They get kicked out Sea World!

Dublin: You will witness someone on the street vomiting after an evening at the pub nearly every night.

Sea World: You will witness someone vomiting after a super delightful ride on the roller coaster!

Dublin: You will probably be paying 25 Euros for a bowl of lukewarm pasta at a pub, which is very good for staving off vomiting, but not staving off desire for culinary delights.

Sea World: For $35 you can eat Shamu! No, not really. But, according to the Sea World website, you can apparently dine with Shamu while eating “seafood Creole, sliced turkey, roast chicken, pasta shrimp Alfredo, an array of sides, rolls, and desserts.” Shamu meat goes for $50.

Dublin: Veronica Guerin (a sad movie).

Sea World: Free Willy! (a happy movie!)

Thus, Sea World crushes ruddy-nosed, drug addled Dublin into the pavement. Happy Memorial Day!

fuckyeahcupcakes: If loving cookies and cupcakes makes one a...

Sun, 24 May 2009 12:33:16 -0400

fuckyeahcupcakes:

If loving cookies and cupcakes makes one a monster, I would hate to be human.

Just as the Cookie Monster was unfairly labeled for his wholly understandable love of cookies, so Julia is attacked for her wholly understandable love of cupcakes. When will this mad, misbegotten persecution end?